♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
WELCOME TO
"LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING
US.
MUCH LIKE THE DISINTEGRATION OF
WESTERN CIVILIZATION, WE BEGIN
TONIGHT WITH DONALD TRUMP.
THE DONALD TRUMP JR. OF AMERICAN
PRESIDENTS.
AND IF, AROUND 5:00 P.M. ON
FRIDAY, YOU SUDDENLY STARTED
FEELING A LITTLE CALMER, IT MAY
BE BECAUSE THIS HAPPENED.
>> TONIGHT, PRESIDENT DONALD
TRUMP IS GETTING AWAY FROM THE
WASHINGTON HEAT.
THE PRESIDENT ARRIVED IN NEW
JERSEY JUST A LITTLE WHILE AGO
TO BEGIN A SEVENTEEN DAY
VACATION.
>> John: YES, TRUMP IS TAKING A
17-DAY VACATION FROM WORK WHICH
MEANS, MORE IMPORTANTLY, AMERICA
MAY BE GETTING A 17-DAY VACATION
FROM TRUMP.
WHICH IS EXCITING, RIGHT?
ALTHOUGH, WHILE HE'S THERE,
HE'LL STILL HAVE ACCESS TO THE
NUCLEAR CODES, AND, EVEN WORSE,
WI-FI, SO DON'T RELAX.
NEVER RELAX.
YOUR LIFE IS A TORTURE CHAMBER
OF FEAR AND PANIC.
BUT THAT WAS FRIDAY, AND TRUMP
WAS LEAVING AT THE END OF WHAT
THE WHITE HOUSE HAD DUBBED
"AMERICAN DREAM WEEK,"
WHICH TRUMP CHOSE TO MARK BY
DEMEANING AS MANY AMERICAN
INSTITUTIONS AS HE POSSIBLY
COULD, BEGINNING WITH THIS.
>> AFTER THAT POLITICAL SPEECH
TO THE BOY SCOUTS LAST WEEK, THE
PRESIDENT TOLD
"THE WALL STREET JOURNAL"
THE HEAD OF THE BOY SCOUTS
PERSONALLY CALLED HIM TO SAY IT
WAS THE GREATEST SPEECH THAT WAS
EVER MADE TO THEM AND THEY WERE
VERY THANKFUL.
BUT ACTUALLY, THE SPEECH ANGERED
SO MANY, THE BOY SCOUTS WERE
FORCED TO ISSUE AN APOLOGY AND
YESTERDAY THEY SAID THERE WAS NO
PHONE CALL.
>> John: OKAY, SO LET ME GET
THIS STRAIGHT.
TRUMP SHOWED UP, SAID A BUNCH OF
CRAZY SHIT, THEN LIED TO MAKE
HIMSELF LOOK GOOD.
I'M NOT SURE WHY THE BOY SCOUTS
ARE SO UPSET.
YOU BOOKED TRUMP AND YOU GOT
TRUMP.
YOU CAN'T BOOK GALLAGHER AND
THEN SUDDENLY COMPLAIN WHEN
YOU GO HOME COVERED IN MELON
JUICE.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH HIS
ACT BY NOW, IT'S KIND OF ON YOU.
BUT TRUMP WAS JUST GETTING
STARTED.
EVEN AS THAT CONTROVERSY WAS
STILL GOING, A NEW ONE EMERGED.
>> ACCORDING TO
"SPORTS ILLUSTRATED"'S
Golf.com, PRESIDENT TRUMP
EXPLAINED TO MEMBERS OF ONE OF
HIS GOLF CLUBS THAT HE GOES TO
HIS OWN PROPERTIES SO FREQUENTLY
THESE DAYS BECAUSE, QUOTE, "THAT
WHITE HOUSE IS A REAL DUMP."
>> John: YES, IT SEEMS ODD TO
CALL AN OBJECTIVELY GRAND
RESIDENCE "A DUMP," UNTIL YOU
REMEMBER TRUMP'S TASTE IN
INTERIOR DESIGN IS A CROSS
BETWEEN C-3PO'S COLON, AND A
MUSEUM WHERE NO ONE HAS EVER
LEARNED ANYTHING.
TRUMP QUICKLY ISSUED A STATEMENT
DENYING THAT HE'D SAID THAT,
TWEETING,
"I LOVE THE WHITE HOUSE, ONE OF
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BUILDINGS"
PARENTHESES "HOMES I HAVE EVER
SEEN."
AND THAT'S TWO QUALIFIERS!
IN ONE SENTENCE!
IT'S THE EQUIVALENT OF SAYING,
"I LOVE MY WIFE.
SHE IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
WOMEN PARENTHESES OLDER THAN 30
I HAVE EVER SEEN."
BUT THE JOURNALIST WHO WROTE THE
STORY STOOD BY IT, STATING THAT
TRUMP "SAID THIS IN FRONT OF
EIGHT OR NINE" PEOPLE.
WHICH IS A PRETTY BRILLIANT WAY
TO GET TRUMP TO CONFIRM IT:
ESTIMATE THE SIZE OF HIS CROWD
AND JUST WAIT FOR HIM TO CORRECT
YOU.
"NO, I DIDN'T CALL THE WHITE
HOUSE A "DUMP" IN FRONT OF EIGHT
OR NINE PEOPLE -- I SAID IT IN
FRONT OF "HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS"
OF PEOPLE, AND ALL OF THEM WERE
10s, AND ALL OF THEM LOVED IT,
AND THE NEXT DAY EVERYONE CALLED
ME AND TOLD ME NO ONE HAD EVER
DONE A BETTER JOB OF CALLING THE
WHITE HOUSE A DUMP.
NOBODY HAD DONE IT!
I'M SAD INSIDE!"
AND TRUMP STILL WASN'T DONE --
BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, IT EMERGED
THAT IN A CONVERSATION WITH
MEXICO'S PRESIDENT, HE HAD
SHIT-TALKED AN ENTIRE AMERICAN
STATE.
>> WHILE TALKING ABOUT STOPPING
THE FLOW OF DRUGS INTO THE
UNITED STATES, THE PRESIDENT
ALSO SAID THIS, AND I'M QUOTING
HIM, "I WON NEW HAMPSHIRE
BECAUSE NEW HAMPSHIRE IS A
DRUG-INFESTED DEN."
>> John: OKAY, FIRST, OBVIOUSLY,
HE'S WRONG ABOUT WINNING NEW
HAMPSHIRE.
HE LOST IT IN THE GENERAL.
BUT SECOND, I'M NOT GOING TO SIT
HERE AND DEFEND THE STATE OF
NEW HAMPSHIRE.
I HAVEN'T LOST SOME TERRIBLE
DARE.
BUT THAT IS NOT THE WAY TO SHIT,
EVEN IF YOU WANT TO DO IT, ON
NEW HAMPSHIRE.
IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, JUST
POINT OUT IT'S NOTHING MORE THAN
9,000 SQUARE MILES OF GRANITE
AND LYME DISEASE, AND IT'S THE
ONLY STATE SO BORING, IT CAN
GENUINELY MAKE YOU SAY, "OH,
THANK GOD, WE'RE IN MAINE NOW."
AND I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE
IMPRESSION THAT IT WAS ONLY
TRUMP IN THE WHITE HOUSE
ATTACKING CORNERSTONES OF
AMERICA.
IT WAS ALSO STEPHEN MILLER,
POLICY ADVISER AND
VITAMIN-D-DEFICIENT MINION.
YES, YOU MIGHT WELL THINK,
"THAT'S UNFAIR.
ANYONE CAN FIND A PHOTO OF
SOMEONE LOOKING A BIT LIKE A
MINION."
BUT WITH MILLER, IT IS GENUINELY
HARD TO FIND A PHOTO OF HIM NOT
LOOKING LIKE A MINION.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
FROWNY MINION,
SMOOCHY MINION,
SMILEY MINION!
LOOK!
THEY'RE BOTH HAPPY BECAUSE
THEY'RE PLANNING SOMETHING!
IN ANY CASE, MILLER SPOKE TO THE
PRESS THIS WEEK ABOUT THE WHITE
HOUSE'S SUPPORT FOR A DRACONIAN
IMMIGRATION BILL, WHICH WOULD
SLASH LEGAL IMMIGRATION LEVELS
IN HALF OVER A DECADE, AND MAKE
CITIZENSHIP CONTINGENT
ON FACTORS SUCH AS ENGLISH
ABILITY, EDUCATION LEVELS, AND
JOB SKILLS.
WHICH PROMPTED THIS INCREDIBLE
EXCHANGE WITH CNN'S JIM ACOSTA.
>> THE STATUE OF LIBERTY SAYS,
"GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR,
YOUR HUDDLED MASSES YEARNING TO
BREATHE FREE."
IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
SPEAKING ENGLISH OR BEING ABLE
TO BE A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER.
>> THE POEM THAT YOU'RE
REFERRING TO, THAT WAS ADDED
LATER
IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A PART OF THE
ORIGINAL STATUE OF LIBERTY.
>> John: WAIT, THOUGH.
JUST BECAUSE IT WASN'T PART OF
THE ORIGINAL DOESN'T MEAN IT'S
WORTHLESS.
SOME OF THE BEST THINGS EVER
MADE WERE CHANGED PARTWAY
THROUGH.
DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS A TIME
WHERE "FAST AND FURIOUS" MOVIES
DIDN'T HAVE THE ROCK?
IT'S TRUE!
THEY SUCKED!
THAT'S WHY THEY ADDED THE
FUCKING ROCK!
IT WASN'T THE GREATEST PIECE OF
COMMUNICATION FROM
STEPHEN MILLER, SO OF COURSE,
THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOW
CONSIDERING HIM FOR THE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR JOB,
TAKING OVER FOR THE DEARLY
DEPARTED "MOOCH."
AND THAT WOULD BE A LOT OF
RESPONSIBILITY FOR A MAN WHO IS
-- AND THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST
SHOCKING THING YOU LEARN TONIGHT
-- 31 YEARS OLD.
31 HUMAN YEARS OLD.
HE IS THE SAME AGE AS THE OLSEN
TWIN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I SAID TWIN.
THERE'S ONLY ONE IN THAT PHOTO,
SHE'S TRICKING YOUR EYES BY
MOVING VERY QUICKLY.
HOW IS SHE DOING THAT IN A STILL
PHOTOGRAPH?
I DON'T KNOW THAT YET, BUT I'M
CLOSE.
I'M REALLY CLOSE.
THE POINT IS, MILLER IS SO YOUNG
THERE ARE ACTUALLY VIDEOS ON THE
INTERNET OF WHAT HE WAS LIKE IN
HIGH SCHOOL.
AND FIRST OF ALL, OBVIOUSLY:
MINION.
BUT SECOND: IT'S ACTUALLY A
VIDEO OF HIM CAMPAIGNING FOR
STUDENT GOVERNMENT, AND IT GIVES
YOU A SENSE OF WHAT WE MIGHT ALL
BE IN FOR IF HE DOES BECOME THE
NEW MOOCH.
>> AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO IS SICK
AND TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO PICK
UP MY TRASH WHEN WE HAVE PLENTY
OF JANITORS WHO ARE PAID TO DO
IT FOR US?
>> John: WOW.
HE IS TRULY ONE OF THE MOST
REVOLTING HUMANS -- PARENTHESES
MINIONS -- I HAVE EVER SEEN.
YOU KNOW, IN A WAY THERE IS NO
MORE FITTING SPOKESMAN FOR THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION THAN AN
ENTITLED, ELITIST ASSHOLE WHO
REFUSES TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR THE MESSES HE MAKES, AND WHO
CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE TO PICK A
FIGHT WITH A FUCKING STATUE.
AND NOW THIS:
>> Announcer: AND NOW, YOU
WISH YOU LOVED ANYTHING AS MUCH
AS SEATTLE GARDENING EXPERT
CISCOE MORRIS LOVES EVERYTHING.
>> IT'S TIME TO CLEAN OUT THE
GARDEN.
THERE IS ROOM FOR NEW PLANS OUT
THERE.
THIS IS THE BEST TOMATO ON
EARTH.
OH, I LOVE THAT PLANT.
I LOVE THIS NURSERY!
GREAT PLANS!
THIS IS A REALLY COOL PLANT.
THIS IS THE UGLIEST PLANT IN THE
WORLD BUT I LOVE IT!
I LOVE TIMES!
I USE THESE ON A BANISTER ON MY
PORCH!
[LAUGHS]
I AM SO EXCITED!
LOOK, THE RHUBARB IS STARTING TO
BUD!
IT'S SO CUTE!
RHUBARB!
I JUST SAW A RHUBARB BUTTING UP
IN MY GARDEN!
AND I LOVE IT!
I AM GOING TO HARVEST THE LIVING
BEETLE HOPPER OUT OF YOU!
>> IT DOES SMELL GOOD.
>> FLAVORFUL!
[LAUGHS]
OH LA LA.
OH LA LA!
OH, I LOVE DOING THIS!
CAN I DO THIS?
LOOK AT THAT ONE!
♪ ♪
[APPLAUSE]
>> John: MOVING ON.
OUR MAIN STORY TONIGHT CONCERNS
THE BORDER.
THE BOUNDARY THAT IS INCREDIBLY
TOUGH TO SMUGGLE A MONKEY
ACROSS...I'M TOLD.
SHHHHHH...
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS FAMOUSLY
MADE SECURING THE BORDER A KEY
PRIORITY FOR HIS ADMINISTRATION,
MOST NOTABLY THROUGH HIS
BORDER WALL, SOMETHING WHICH, AS
WE'VE POINTED OUT BEFORE, HE
HIMSELF INADVERTENTLY FOUND A
FLAW IN ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
>> THERE'S NO LADDER GOING OVER
THAT.
IF THEY EVER GET UP THERE,
THEY'RE IN TROUBLE, BECAUSE
THERE'S NO WAY TO GET DOWN.
MAYBE A ROPE.
>> John: YEAH, MAYBE A ROPE.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS STUPID, BUT
TO BE FAIR, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD
PHASE SIX OF DONALD TRUMP'S
BORDER SECURITY PLAN:
GO GET ME ALL THE ROPES.
AND WHILE THAT WALL IDEA HAS
RECEIVED A LOT OF COVERAGE, IT'S
BY NO MEANS TRUMP'S ONLY BORDER
PLAN.
ONE OF HIS MORE BENIGN-SOUNDING,
BUT POTENTIALLY NO LESS
DANGEROUS IDEAS, CONCERNS
THE BORDER PATROL.
AND FIRST, LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT
WHO THEY ARE.
THEY'RE PART OF
CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION.
THEY'RE NOT I.C.E., WHO YOU MAY
KNOW FROM IMMIGRATION RAIDS.
THEY'RE ALSO NOT
CUSTOMS OFFICERS, WHO YOU SEE
AT AIRPORTS AND BORDER
CROSSINGS.
NOR ARE THEY THE
"BORDERS PATROL," A GROUP OF
VIGILANTES WHO DEFEND ABANDONED
BORDERS BOOKSTORES FROM
RACCOONS.
NO, THE BORDER PATROL ARE THE
PEOPLE IN GREEN UNIFORMS WHO
LITERALLY PATROL THE BOUNDARIES
OF OUR COUNTRY.
THERE ARE AROUND 20,000 OF THEM,
BUT TRUMP, IN AN EXECUTIVE
ORDER, HAS CALLED FOR THEM TO
ADD 5,000 MORE, TO TACKLE THE
MANY PROBLEMS HE SEES ON OUR
SOUTHERN BORDER.
>> LET'S STOP THE DRUGS AND THE
CRIME FROM POURING INTO OUR
COUNTRY.
>> YOU CAN CERTAINLY HAVE
TERRORISTS, YOU CAN CERTAINLY
HAVE ISLAMIC TERRORISTS -- YOU
CAN HAVE ANYTHING COMING ACROSS
THE BORDER.
>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A STRONG,
STRONG, STRONG BORDER THAT
PEOPLE ARE GOING TO RESPECT AND
THE DRUGS ARE NOT GOING TO BE
FLOWING ACROSS LIKE GRAVY.
>> John: NOW, THAT RIGHT THERE
IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN DONALD
TRUMP STARTS A SENTENCE FEELING
XENOPHOBIC AND ENDS IT FEELING
HUNGRY.
"WE NEED TO STOP MEXICANS COMING
IN LIKE HOT FUDGE SUNDAES COMING
INTO MY TUMMY.
THREE SCOOPS, WHIPPED CREAM, NO
CHERRY BECAUSE I DON'T DO
FRUIT."
BUT FOR THE RECORD: BORDER
PATROL AGENTS DO A LOT MORE THAN
FIGHT DRUGS, CRIME, AND GRAVY.
IN RECENT YEARS, THE NUMBER OF
MEXICANS APPREHENDED CROSSING
THE BORDER HAS DRAMATICALLY
DROPPED, AND HAS NOW BEEN
SURPASSED BY THE SHARP RISE IN
MIGRANTS FLEEING VIOLENCE IN
CENTRAL AMERICA, FOR WHOM THERE
IS A LEGAL PROCESS TO SEEK
ASYLUM HERE.
MEANING THAT AGENTS' DAYS CAN
FREQUENTLY INCLUDE MOMENTS LIKE
THIS.
>> THE BOCCHE FAMILY TAKE THEIR
FIRST TENTATIVE STEPS INTO THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
WITHIN SECONDS, THE BORDER
PATROL ARE ON THEM, THERE'S NO
CHASE, NO TENSION, THEY EXPECTED
TO BE CAUGHT.
>> AS WE FILM, ANOTHER TWO
FIGURES EMERGE, A MOTHER AND HER
DAUGHTER.
THEY'RE GIVEN BLANKETS TO
PROTECT THEM FROM THE COLD.
>> John: THAT IS NOT WHAT PEOPLE
EXPECT WHEN THEY THINK OF THE
BORDER.
IN THE VENN DIAGRAM OF
"HARDENED DRUG DEALERS" AND
"PEOPLE WHO NEED BLANKETS," THAT
MIDDLE SECTION IS PRETTY MUCH
JUST LINUS.
OH, I'M SORRY, HE'S NOT A DRUG
DEALER?
THE MESSY HAIR, THE STRIPEY
SHIRT, THE THUMB SUCKING -- HE
SELLS ECSTASY AT RAVES, AND HE'S
HIGH ON HIS OWN SUPPLY ALL THE
TIME!
THERE IS NO GREAT PUMPKIN!
HE'S A JUNKIE!
SOMEONE INTERVENE!
BUT IT'S MOMENTS LIKE THAT THAT
SHOW HOW DIFFICULT THE JOB OF A
BORDER PATROL AGENT CAN BE --
BECAUSE IN THAT MOMENT, THEY'RE
DELIVERING AID AND PROCESSING
MIGRANTS, AND LATER THAT DAY,
THEY MIGHT BE CHASING DOWN DRUG
TRAFFICKERS.
IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN
HUMANITARIAN WORK AND LAW
ENFORCEMENT, AND NOT EVERYONE
CAN DO IT.
AND THAT IS WHAT MAKES TRUMP'S
PLAN TO EXPAND THE BORDER PATROL
BY 25 PERCENT SO CONCERNING.
BECAUSE IF YOU HIRE AGENTS
QUICKLY AND BADLY, IT CAN
ACTUALLY LEAVE US MUCH LESS
SAFE, AND HAVE DEVASTATING
CONSEQUENCES.
AND WE KNOW THIS BECAUSE WE'VE
BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE.
SO TONIGHT, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT THE LAST BORDER PATROL
HIRING SURGE.
BECAUSE IT WASN'T THAT LONG AGO.
>> AFTER THE SO-CALLED BUNGLING
OF INTELLIGENCE LEADING UP TO
9/11, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
IS DETERMINED TO SHORE THINGS UP
AT THE BORDERS.
AS PART OF THAT MANDATE, THE
BORDER PATROL EXPANDED FROM TEN
THOUSAND AGENTS TO TWENTY
THOUSAND.
>> John: IT'S TRUE, THE LATE
2000s SAW A SURGE IN BORDER
PATROL AGENTS THAT WAS MATCHED
ONLY BY THE SURGE IN THE NUMBER
OF REALITY SHOWS ABOUT PEOPLE
MAKING CAKES.
THERE WERE SO MANY, YOU DON'T
EVEN KNOW WHICH ONE OF THESE I
MADE UP.
IT WAS "CAKE CUCKS."
WHICH I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE IN
PRODUCTION BY NEXT WEEK.
NOW, TO MEET THE SURGE'S
AMBITIOUS TARGETS, RECRUITMENT
WAS AGGRESSIVE.
AND THE GOVERNMENT ADVERTISED
EVERYWHERE, EVEN AT ONE POINT,
DOING THIS.
>> THE BORDER PATROL SPENT $8.4
MILLION SPONSORING THIS CAR,
GETTING IT DETAILED, AND
STAFFING RECRUITING BOOTHS.
>> John: THAT IS HONESTLY TRUE!
THEY SPONSORED A NASCAR TEAM,
PUTTING THE BORDER PATROL IN
SUCH FINE COMPANY AS OTHER
ACTUAL NASCAR SPONSORS, DEPENDS
UNDERWEAR AND BOUDREAUX'S
BUTT PASTE.
A PRODUCT FOR, I ASSUME, PEOPLE
WHO WANT THEIR BUTT PASTED
CLOSED.
AND THAT WASN'T ALL.
THEY ALSO RAN SLICKLY PRODUCED
TV ADS LIKE THIS.
>> AS A MOBILE LAW ENFORCEMENT
ARM OF THE DEPARTMENT OF
HOMELAND SECURITY, IT IS THE JOB
OF THE BORDER PATROL TO PREVENT
TERRORISTS AND TERRORIST WEAPONS
AND ALL THOSE WHO SEEK TO DO US
HARM FROM ENTERING THE UNITED
STATES.
>> GROUND UNITS ARE ON THE WAY.
>> THE BORDER PATROL.
WE PROTECT AMERICA.
ARE YOU UP TO THE CHALLENGE?
>> John: YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, THEY
MAKE THE JOB LOOK VERY EXCITING.
ALTHOUGH, IN FAIRNESS, ANYTHING
SAID IN THAT VOICE WOULD BE
EXCITING.
"HERE IS MY KITTEN.
I NAMED HIM BOOTSIE.
DON'T WEE ON THE RUG, BOOTSIE!
I'M NOT SURE HE LIKES ME AS MUCH
AS I LIKE HIM!"
BUT THE TRUTH OF THE JOB IS,
MOST AGENTS WORK ALONE
PATROLLING VAST SWATHS OF
DESERT.
AND WHILE SOME DAYS FEATURE
BURSTS OF ACTION, OTHERS CAN
INVOLVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING --
WHICH CAN BE CHALLENGING IN AND
OF ITSELF.
>> ONE OF THE LARGER PROBLEMS IS
BOREDOM.
>> IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT'S
NEVER DANGEROUS.
THERE ARE BANDITS OUT THERE,
THERE ARE DRUG ORGANIZATIONS OUT
THERE.
WHAT THEY'RE NOT REALLY GETTING
IS PREPARATION FOR THE BORING
NON-RISKY REALITY OF ALMOST ALL
OF THEIR CAREER.
>> John: EXACTLY.
BOREDOM IS A SIGNIFICANT PART OF
LIFE AS A BORDER PATROL AGENT.
AND THEY SHOULD PROBABLY TRAIN
FOR IT.
FOR EVERY HOUR THEY SPEND IN
TARGET PRACTICE, THEY SHOULD
PROBABLY SPEND TEN HOURS
WATCHING
"MOZART IN THE JUNGLE."
ARE YOU FUNNY?
AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT YOU?
WHO IS THAT WOMAN WITH THE OBOE?
I'M CONFUSED, BUT ALSO BORED.
BUT THE BIG PROBLEM WAS THAT, AS
THEY DOUBLED IN SIZE, MEETING
AND MAINTAINING THEIR HIRING
QUOTAS MEANT THEIR SCREENING
PROCESS WASN'T ALWAYS AS STRONG
AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN.
IT WAS ONLY LATE IN THE SURGE
THAT THE CBP STARTED GIVING
APPLICANTS POLYGRAPH TESTS --
SOMETHING THAT MOST OTHER
FEDERAL LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES
DO.
AND TO LISTEN TO
JAMES TOMSHECK, WHO HEADED
INTERNAL AFFAIRS FOR CBP THROUGH
MOST OF THE SURGE, THEIR
FINDINGS INDICATED THEY PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT SOONER.
>> THE SHOCKING DISCOVERY WE
FOUND WAS THAT MORE THAN HALF OF
THE PERSONS WHO HAD CLEARED
BACKGROUND INVESTIGATIONS FAILED
THE POLYGRAPH EXAMINATION.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF THEM
PROVIDING DETAILED DESCRIPTIONS
OF THE CRIMINAL ACTIVITY THEY
HAD BEEN INVOLVED IN.
>> John: THINK ABOUT THAT.
OVER HALF OF CBP'S APPLICANTS,
WHO HAD CLEARED THE HIGHEST
LEVEL OF BACKGROUND CHECK, WERE
FOUND UNSUITABLE FOR SERVICE.
AND SOME OF WHAT THEY CONFESSED
TO WAS INCREDIBLE.
ONE APPLICANT ADMITTED TO
SMOKING MARIJUANA 20,000 TIMES
IN A 10-YEAR-PERIOD,
KUDOS TO THAT INDIVIDUAL,
WHILE ANOTHER STATED HE
HAD "NO INDEPENDENT RECOLLECTION
OF THE EVENTS THAT RESULTED IN A
BLOOD-DOUSED KITCHEN, AND WAS
UNCERTAIN IF HE COMMITTED ANY
CRIME DURING HIS THREE-HOUR
BLACK OUT."
WHICH I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND
SAY, YES, YOU DID COMMIT A
CRIME!
OR AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU
REALLY FUCKED UP A SOUFFLE.
I MEAN, HE WAS FUCKED THAT UP
BAD!
AND THE PROBLEMS INCREASED ONCE
THE NEW AGENTS WERE HIRED,
BECAUSE THE TRAINING WAS ALSO
SIGNIFICANTLY CUT BACK.
AND THAT CAUSED REAL ISSUES, AS
ONE TRAINER REVEALED WHILE, FOR
SOME REASON, DISGUISED AS AN
ASTHMATIC SCARECROW.
>> WE ARE DISGUISING THE FACE
AND VOICE OF THIS VETERAN AGENT
AND TRAINING INSTRUCTOR BECAUSE
OF FEARS OF RETALIATION.
>> WE WENT FROM A 20-WEEK COURSE
TO A 12-WEEK COURSE.
>> SO THE STANDARDS WERE
LOWERED.
>> WELL, THEY SAY THE STANDARDS
WEREN'T LOWERED BUT THEY WERE.
>> John: WHAT IS HAPPENING?
HE SOUNDS LIKE JESSE VENTURA
AFTER SWALLOWING ONE OF THOSE
NOVELTY COW VOICE NOISEMAKERS.
AND LOOK: I KNOW IT IS HARD TO
PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT ROBOT
NEIL YOUNG IS SAYING, BUT IT'S
GENUINELY WORTH LISTENING TO
WHERE THEY CUT CORNERS.
>> THE SOURCE TOLD US, SPANISH
LANGUAGE CLASSES AND PHYSICAL
TRAINING WERE CUT BACK.
>> THE PERSON WAS SO OUT OF
SHAPE I ACTUALLY HAD TO TREAT
THE TRAINEE AND THE BAD GUY GOT
AWAY.
PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY GETS
THROUGH THE ACADEMY.
>> John: THEY CUT BACK ON
SPANISH AND PHYSICAL TRAINING.
SO, THE NEW STANDARDS AFFECTED
AGENTS' ABILITY TO TALK TO THE
PEOPLE THEY CAUGHT, AND THEIR
ABILITY TO CATCH THE PEOPLE THEY
WANTED TO TALK TO.
WHICH SEEM PRETTY ESSENTIAL
FACETS OF THEIR JOB.
IT'S LIKE IF THE TRAINING
PROGRAM AT SEAWORLD LEFT OUT
"PUTTING ON A WETSUIT" AND
"SYSTEMATICALLY DRIVING
CARNIVOROUS WHALES INSANE."
THAT'S THE WHOLE JOB!
TAKE THEM AWAY, YOU ARE LEFT
WITH NOTHING ELSE.
AND CONSEQUENTLY, IN THE YEARS
FOLLOWING THE SURGE, AS THE
RANKS GREW, CORRUPTION AND
EXCESSIVE FORCE SKYROCKETED.
MISCONDUCT BECAME SUCH A PROBLEM
THAT, AT ONE POINT, THE BORDER
PATROL FELT IT NEEDED TO ISSUE A
MEMO ABOUT THE FACT THEIR AGENTS
WERE AVERAGING TWO
ALCOHOL-RELATED ARRESTS PER
WEEK.
AND SOME AGENTS' OFF-DUTY
RUN-INS WITH THE LAW WERE EVEN
MORE SPECTACULAR.
>> TONIGHT, TWO BORDER AGENTS
ARE ON LEAVE, AFTER A WOMAN SAYS
THEY PUT ON A LEWD SHOW DURING
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, PERFORMING A
SEX ACT IN FRONT OF CHILDREN.
THE ACCUSATIONS DON'T STOP
THERE.
THE COUPLE IS SUSPECTED OF BEING
DRUNK AND VIOLENT.
>> John: WOW.
NOW, I SHOULD TELL YOU, ONE
AGENT WAS FOUND GUILTY OF
ASSAULTING THE WOMAN WHO
COMPLAINED, BUT BOTH DENIED THAT
ANYTHING SEXUAL WAS HAPPENING,
AND THEY WERE FOUND NOT GUILTY
OF THE SEX ACT.
PRESUMABLY BECAUSE THEY WERE AT
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, WHERE
EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A SEX ACT.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
THIS IS A SEX ACT,
THIS IS A WILDLY DIFFICULT SEX
ACT,
THAT'S A BIRD-PERSON SEX ACT,
AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA
WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE, BUT I
THINK IT'S THE THING THAT
STEVE BANNON'S SUPPOSED TO BE
GOOD AT.
AND THINGS GOT MORE SERIOUS THAN
THAT.
SINCE 2005, 77 AGENTS WERE
ARRESTED OR INDICTED FOR
CORRUPTION.
AND IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
BORDER PATROL AGENTS ARE
PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE TO DRUG
TRAFFICKERS.
REMEMBER: THEY OFTEN WORK ON
THEIR OWN, PATROLLING THE
BORDER.
WHICH, AS ONE JOURNALIST POINTS
OUT, IS A PRETTY POTENT RECIPE
FOR TROUBLE.
>> ONE BORDER PATROL AGENT CAN
UNDO AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF
GOOD THAT ALL THE OTHER BORDER
PATROL AGENTS DO.
ONE BORDER PATROL AGENT CAN WAVE
IN TONS OF DRUGS.
AND YOU KNOW --
>> YOU MEAN THAT LITERALLY.
>> I LITERALLY.
ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY.
>> John: YES, THIS IS ONE OF THE
ONLY CASES WHERE SOMEONE SAYING
"A TON OF DRUGS" ACTUALLY MEANS
"A LITERAL TON OF DRUGS."
NO, KEVIN.
YOU DID NOT DO A "TON" OF DRUGS.
YOU TOOK A BENADRYL, MADE OUT
WITH A GOLDFISH, AND PASSED OUT
WITH YOUR HEAD IN THE
DISHWASHER.
PULL YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.
AND LET ME GIVE YOU JUST A TASTE
OF THE KIND OF SPECTACULAR
CORRUPTION INVOLVED.
TAKE AGENT JOEL LUNA, WHO, IT
TURNED OUT, HAD A BROTHER IN THE
GULF CARTEL, AND WHO WAS
CONVICTED OF ENGAGING IN
ORGANIZED CRIME, WITH SOME
PRETTY STRIKING EVIDENCE
EMERGING DURING A HOUSE SEARCH.
>> WE ENDED UP FINDING A SAFE, A
BLACK SAFE.
WE FOUND $89,000 IN CASH.
>> JOEL LUNA'S COMMEMORATIVE
BORDER PATROL BADGE, KILO AND A
HALF OF COCAINE,
METHAMPHETAMINE.
A GUN THAT'S TIED DIRECTLY TO
THE GULF CARTEL.
IT SAYS "GULF CARTEL" ON IT.
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN THAT AWAY.
IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN WHY YOUR
BORDER PATROL BADGE IS IN A SAFE
WITH COCAINE, MONEY, AND A
CARTEL PISTOL.
>> John: YEAH.
THAT IS REALLY HARD TO EXPLAIN.
THE BEST I CAN DO IS, "MY BADGE
HAD A DRUG PROBLEM THAT IT
COULDN'T BEAR TO TELL ME ABOUT,
SO FINALLY IT DECIDED TO SHOOT
ITSELF WITH A GUN WE FOUND ON A
CASE, PLANNING TO DIE SURROUNDED
BY ITS MONEY BECAUSE ITS VIEWS
ON DEATH RESEMBLED THOSE OF THE
ANCIENT EGYPTIANS."
BUT EVEN THEN, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT A SENTIENT POLICE BADGE
WITH AN INTEREST IN EGYPTOLOGY,
SO YOU'RE ALREADY BANKING ON A
PRETTY LARGE SUSPENSION OF
DISBELIEF.
OH, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW:
LUNA WAS HIRED DURING THE LAST
RECRUITMENT SURGE.
AND CBP WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY
TOLD US, THAT "WHILE SOME AGENTS
DID DISGRACE THE BADGE WITH
CORRUPTION, THE VAST MAJORITY
DID NOT."
ALTHOUGH IT IS WORTH KNOWING
THAT TOMSHECK, THE INTERNAL
AFFAIRS GUY, BELIEVES THE
PROBLEM IS BIGGER THAN THEY
IMPLY.
>> MR. LUNA IS NOT ONE BAD
APPLE.
HE IS PART OF A RATE OF
CORRUPTION THAT EXCEEDED THAT OF
ANY OTHER U.S> FEDERAL LAW
ENFORCEMENT AGENCY.
>> John: SO IT'S LESS "ONE BAD
APPLE" THAN "OH MY GOD, THIS IS
A LOT OF BAD APPLES."
WHICH, BY THE WAY, SHOULD BE THE
MARKETING THEME FOR
"RED DELICIOUS APPLES."
"RED DELICIOUS APPLES: WELL, AT
LEAST WE GOT THE 'RED' PART
RIGHT!"
AND IT GETS EVEN WORSE.
BECAUSE REMEMBER, THESE AGENTS
HAVE GUNS.
AND THEY HAVE MADE SOME BAD
DECISIONS.
AND YOU MAY HAVE SEEN COVERAGE
OF SOME OF THE TRAGIC INCIDENTS.
>> IN A STRING OF SHOOTINGS BY
THE BORDER PATROL THAT HAVE
STIRRED UP EMOTIONS AT THE
BORDER, THERE'S ONE CASE IN
PARTICULAR THAT HAS BECOME A
RALLYING CRY FOR JUSTICE, A
SHOOTING OF A 16-YEAR-OLD BOY
NAMED JOSE ANTONIO ELENA
RODRIGUEZ.
>> THEY SAY THEIR AGENTS WERE
THREATENED BY SOMEBODY THROWING
ROCKS ON THIS SIDE OF THE FENCE,
BUT STANDING HERE, THE FIRST
THING YOU ASK YOURSELF IS COULD
A 16-YEAR-OLD BOY REALLY
THREATEN SOMEBODY STANDING ON
TOP OF WHAT'S AT LEAST A 20 FOOT
CLIFF AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THAT FENCE?
>> John: YEAH, THAT DOES SEEM
PRETTY UNLIKELY.
AND TO EXPLAIN WHY, TUNE IN NEXT
WEEK, WHERE OUR MAIN STORY WILL
BE GRAVITY.
ARCHNEMESIS TO THE CONCEPT OF
"UP."
NOW, SO YOU KNOW: THAT CASE IS
STILL IN THE COURTS.
AND AGENTS CAN SOMETIMES FEEL
THREATENED BY ROCK THROWERS.
BUT IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT THAT
A REPORT WHICH LOOKED AT 25
CASES WHERE BORDER PATROL AGENTS
SHOT PEOPLE WHO'D THROWN ROCKS
CONCLUDED THAT "TOO MANY CASES
DO NOT APPEAR TO MEET THE TEST
OF OBJECTIVE REASONABLENESS WITH
REGARD TO THE USE OF DEADLY
FORCE."
WHICH I BELIEVE IS
LAW-ENFORCEMENT-SPEAK FOR "HOLY
SHIT, YOU SHOT AT SOME PEOPLE
YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE FUCKING SHOT
AT.
MAYBE DON'T DO THAT AS MUCH?"
OH, AND THERE IS ONE MORE THING
ABOUT THE AGENT IN THAT
FENCE-SHOOTING THAT WILL NOT
SURPRISE YOU.
>> HE WAS ONE OF THOSE PERSONS
HIRED BY THE BORDER PATROL
DURING THE SURGE.
>> John: OF COURSE HE WAS.
AND YET, DESPITE ALL THESE
WARNING SIGNS, WE'RE ABOUT TO
EMBARK ON ANOTHER AMBITIOUS
BORDER PATROL HIRING SURGE.
AND CBP WILL TELL YOU NOT TO
WORRY -- THAT, IN RECENT YEARS,
THEY'VE IMPROVED HIRING AND MADE
REFORMS.
FOR INSTANCE, THEY'VE SLIGHTLY
INCREASED TRANSPARENCY, AND
GIVEN AGENTS MORE NON-LETHAL
WEAPONS, LIKE PEPPER SPRAY GUNS,
AS WELL AS REWRITING THEIR
USE-OF-FORCE RULEBOOK TO -- AND
I QUOTE -- PROHIBIT THE SHOOTING
OF SUSPECTS FLEEING THE SCENE
WHO DO NOT POSE A THREAT TO
THEMSELVES OR OTHERS.
THAT IS GREAT!
ALTHOUGH IT DOES SEEM TO BE ONE
OF THOSE RULES YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAD TO WRITE DOWN.
IF YOU WENT TO A ZOO AND THERE
WERE A GIANT SIGN THAT SAID
"PLEASE DON'T FINGER THE
ARMADILLOS," YOU WOULD WONDER
WHAT THE FUCK HAD HAPPENED
BEFORE THAT SIGN WENT UP.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS,
MANY OTHER REFORMS HAVE NOT BEEN
MADE, AND IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT THEY WILL BE, NOW THAT
PRESIDENT GRAVY-DRUGS IS IN
CHARGE.
IN FACT, WORRYINGLY, THERE'S
ALREADY BEEN TALK THAT HIRING
STANDARDS MIGHT DROP AGAIN, WITH
SUGGESTIONS LIKE A SHORTER
POLYGRAPH, OR REMOVING PARTS OF
THE ENTRANCE EXAM.
AND MOST FRUSTRATING OF ALL,
THERE MAY BE NO REASON FOR US TO
TAKE THIS RISK AT ALL, BECAUSE A
REPORT FROM THE INSPECTOR
GENERAL FOR HOMELAND SECURITY
QUESTIONS WHETHER WE EVEN NEED
5,000 MORE BORDER PATROL AGENTS.
AND YET, TRUMP SEEMS DETERMINED
TO DO THIS.
WHO KNOWS WHY.
THERE IS A FAIRLY GOOD CHANCE HE
ONLY SAID 5,000 BECAUSE SOMEONE
TOLD HIM FIVE BRAZILIAN IS NOT A
REAL NUMBER.
AND LOOK: WHATEVER YOUR FEELINGS
ABOUT THE LAWS THE BORDER PATROL
HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO ENFORCE --
AND I HAVE PLENTY -- YOU WANT
THE BEST POSSIBLE PEOPLE
ENFORCING THEM.
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, AS WE'VE
SEEN, BAD THINGS HAPPEN.
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT THE DANGER
OF NOT LEARNING FROM YOUR
MISTAKES.
AND FOR THE SAKE OF ABSOLUTELY
EVERYBODY -- PEOPLE ON BOTH
SIDES OF THE BORDER, AND THE
GOOD BORDER PATROL AGENTS JUST
TRYING TO DO A DIFFICULT JOB
WELL -- IF WE'RE GOING TO HIRE
ALL THESE NEW PEOPLE, THE VERY
LEAST WE CAN DO IS BE MORE
CAREFUL THIS TIME AROUND.
AND ONE TINY STEP WOULD BE TO
HAVE RECRUITMENT ADS THAT SHOWS
POTENTIAL AGENTS WHAT THE JOB IS
"REALLY" LIKE.
♪ ♪
>> Announcer: THE BORDER
PATROL.
PROTECT AMERICA AND WE ARE
HIRING, AGAIN.
BUT THIS TIME, WE ARE GOING TO
DO IT RIGHT.
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AN EXCITING,
HEART POUNDING ADVENTURE?
MAY BE GO SKYDIVING OR TRY
PARKOUR OR DO WHATEVER THE FUCK
THIS IS.
BUT THE BORDER PATROL MAY NOT BE
FOR YOU BECAUSE A LOT OF THE
TIME, THE JOB LOOKS LESS LIKE
THIS AND MORE LIKE THIS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST YOU, THE DESERT, AND
NOTHING FOR MILES AROUND.
THIS COULD BE YOUR LUNCH BREAK.
THIS IS A JOB THAT COULD COMBINE
HOURS OF BOREDOM WITH SUDDEN
BURSTS OF ACTION.
>> OH, SHIT.
I GOT PEOPLE MOVING.
I NEED BACKUP!
>> AND ABOUT THAT ACTION.
IT DEFINITELY CAN INVOLVE PEOPLE
ENTERING ILLEGALLY OR DRUG
SMUGGLERS, BUT A SURPRISING
AMOUNT OF THE TIME, IT INVOLVES
DESPERATE MIGRANTS FOR WHOM YOU
ARE THE FIRST POINT OF CONTACT
IN A SYSTEM ILL-EQUIPPED TO
CATER TO THEIR NEEDS.
>> THESE GUYS...
HERE.
I DON'T...
SHIT!
>> THIS JOB IS NOT FOR EVERYONE
AND THAT'S WHY THIS TIME, WE ARE
NOT ADVERTISING TO NASCAR.
THIS TIME, WE ARE RECRUITING
WITH US SWEET HONDA ODYSSEY, A
PRACTICAL CAR FOR REASONABLE,
METHODICAL PEOPLE.
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU READ THE
ENTIRETY OF THOSE NEW ONES TEXT
BEFORE MAKING ANY DECISIONS.
AND SOME OF IT IS IN SPANISH
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE REALLY
USEFUL IF YOU COULD SPEAK THAT.
BUT JUST TO BE CLEAR, IF YOU
WANT TO FUCK AT
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, THIS IS NOT
THE DRUG FOR YOU.
AND WE WILL FIND OUT.
>> LAST QUESTION.
HAVE YOU EVER, AND I MEAN NEVER,
CONSIDERED HAVING SEXUAL
RELATIONS OR PERFORMANCE OF
EXOTICALLY DRESSED CANADIAN
ACROBATS?
>> NO.
>> WE ARE DONE HERE.
>> THE POINT IS, IF YOU ARE
KIND, PHYSICALLY FIT, IMPERVIOUS
TO BRIBERY OR BOREDOM, AND YOU
WANT TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY BY
ENFORCING A CONTROVERSIAL AND
EVER-CHANGING SET OF POLICIES
AND THE MOST HUMANE WAY
POSSIBLE, THEN, GIVE US A CALL.
THE BORDER PATROL.
WE ARE HIRING!
WISH US LUCK WITH THAT.
>> CIRCUS FUCKERS MAY NOT APPLY.
>> John: THAT IS OUR SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT!
♪ ♪